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Hi Reader,

Let’s talk about pleasure.

(Or at least try to.)

I spend a lot of my time these days trying to fool algorithms that think I’m using "pleasure" as a euphemism for something indecent when I'm not, and trying to convince actual humans that pleasure is actually good, powerful and useful.

Talking about pleasure is hard. Pleasure gets a bad rap. In a nation settled by puritans, we are suspicious of it.

We demonize it, adding the word “guilty” in front of it to describe perfectly understandable preferences.

We use it as a euphemism for sex, and in doing so, make it confusing to talk about pleasure in a non-sexual context. (Meanwhile, a shocking number of women — especially straight women — are having deeply unpleasurable sex, and thinking something is wrong with them for not wanting it.)

We are confused about pleasure, often overthinking it, ranking it or trying to justify it, as if we aren’t wired for pleasure, or weren’t meant to experience it.

(Spoiler alert: You are absolutely wired for pleasure, and you are meant to experience it.)

But what do I mean when I talk about pleasure?

🌺 Sensory experiences that feel good to you. 🌺

That’s literally it.

Things that feel good, that have to do with the senses. Things like:

• The sensation of a warm shower on your cool skin
• The contented feeling that washes over you when you cuddle with someone you love
• The sense of well-being that comes with watching a sunset over the ocean
• The way your scalp tingles when someone says something in that particular way
• The pleasant shock of cold ice cream on a hot summer day
• The bliss that comes with listening to a particularly well-crafted song
• The dance of flavors across your tongue when eating a perfectly seasoned bite
• The smell of fresh flowers on a spring day
• The coziness of curling up in a soft blanket in front of a fire
• The pleasure of your body’s speed, perhaps by running, swimming or riding a bike
• The delight of the sun’s warm rays shining on your face
• The feeling of a particularly good stretch

(I could use the word “sensual” there, meaning “of or pertaining to the senses,” but we’re suspicious of that one too. So “sensory” it is!)

There are other pleasures, of course, ones that are less sensation-oriented but still give that satisfying yet calming rush. Things like:

• The delight in solving a puzzle
• The satisfaction of completing a task well and on time
• The feeling of well-being that comes from doing a good deed for someone else
• The sense of belonging when you feel witnessed, heard and held
• The pleasure of achieving a personal goal
• And yeah, a good time in bed

Pleasure is one of the most important experiences we can have as humans. Yet we often hide or modify our experience of it. We limit how much we can feel in order to keep ourselves under control, to not feel too much, or to conform with social expectations.

But limiting yourself in this way only makes it harder to have a pleasurable life. And that can lead you to overindulging in other ways to make up for it, but that don’t actually scratch the itch. You may end up wondering why everything seems so flat, or thinking “there must be more to life than this.”

It may be because you need more pleasure in your life.

So, what makes something pleasurable? It has to feel good, of course, but there’s another important piece as well.

🌺 You have to pay attention. 🌺

Attention is the currency of pleasure.

It’s only when you pay attention to what is pleasurable, that you can have the experience of pleasure. When you don’t pay attention, it doesn’t matter what is happening. You won’t notice it.

You’ve probably had the experience of mindlessly eating a chocolate bar, staring at your phone instead of a great view, or being so in your head during sex that you just went through the motions.

If that’s you, no worries. (It happens to all of us!)

But attention is what makes a decent chocolate taste divine, a great view magical, and good sex awesome. Allowing yourself to notice and experience pleasure in all its forms is what makes life pleasurable.

Letting yourself “indulge in pleasure” may sound like a cheesy 90's commercial for chocolate lava cake at Applebee’s, but truly indulging in pleasure just requires you to notice and appreciate what is happening.

Whether it’s the breeze on your face, the texture of your sheets, the lines of your loved one’s face, the vibrancy of the spring leaves, the quality of a hug or the notes of your favorite song...

🌺 Giving your attention to what feels good is worth doing. 🌺

The good news is that this is a skill we are all born with. You may have had it trained out of you, through years of attending to others’ needs, people-pleasing, or trying not to be “too much.” But it is innate. You knew how to do it when you were a baby.

All it takes is practice.

This is why pleasure is at the center of the practices we do in Unfinishing School. You’ll learn to notice what feels good to you — all over your life — and to prioritize it. You’ll learn to appreciate your preferences, and to lean into pleasure.

(Btw, pleasure and practice are two of the cornerstones of our work in Unfinishing School.)

I don’t know if we’ll ever solve the quandary of being able to talk about pleasure without the likes of Zuckerberg or the Puritans getting nervous, but I do know that real pleasure — enjoying the well-rounded, sensory joys available to you without spending lots of money or pretending to be someone you’re not — is one of the truest, most delightful pathways to a satisfying life (in AND out of the bedroom.)

If this sounds appealing to you, Unfinishing School might be your perfect fit.

You can find out more here:

​https://askingforwhatyouwant.com/unfinishing-school/​

Have a great day.

Warmly,
xxMarciaB.

PS - If you'd like to chat with me before you register, you can get on my calendar here. ​
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